Strange times...

Sometimes I feel like the only person that has super strange experiances so I thought I would share some of them and maybe it will make my day be a little better. As I right now I feel ....just that, strange!

Last night I was super tired as I was sick all day yesterday so I called it an early night and went to bed with my sick boy while the hubby watched some tv. At about 10:45pm I start to hear music in my sleep...I thought I was dreaming until I kinda in a groggy fashion tuned into reality. I realized there was music playing and it was fairly loud. I was thinking...is William watching a show SUPER SUPER loud?...until I here is overly loud snore and realize he is sleeping. Then I am thinking someones having a party? Then I start to get this weird feeling and start to listen to my surroundings. I hear someone scream "GOD HELP ME" several times followed by crying. By this time I am terrified! I jump out of bed, shake my husband awake and tell him what I just heard. We then realize its our neighbor. I was not sure what to do... I mean do I go knock on her door? What? I was having the creepy feeling the whole time I am trying to figure out what to do. William says, if we here her again he will go see if she is ok. Also may I remind you this whole time there is SUPER loud music.... Christian music, but however super loud, late at night, and screaming lady. We wait and listen for a while then realize she is walking around and switching through the songs while talking to herself or God. Then figure she is not dead and we can go back to bed. I know that everyone is different everyone has moments everyone responds differently and everyone has different ways of "worship" as my husband put it so kindly. However, I cannot help but still feeling creeped out. It was a super strange experiance for me as I am laying in bed wide awake til 2 in the morning thinking she is planning on committing suicide or something.

Then of course we have our crazy neighbors with the whole crazy attack dog that they decided to beat with a 2X4. We have been dealing with this from the moment we moved in. Even after turning them in and them knowing it was me. I am not as scared of them as I am about the previous story... I mean whatever "cut me ese" I am like 3 times the size of you and not affraid of using force! hehe Not really but seriously I am way more creeped out by strange chanting/praying and voodoo and creepy witchy or things that I feel are our of my control. Not saying that is what was going on but still uh creeping feeling....

Then today, I always have lunch with Cadyn at school on Fridays. I love it and he loves it. However I am not a fan of rude people! I realize you may have 12 children and I think its great you come have lunch with them however do not shove yourself in a 2 inch spot next to my son. I dont care if you dont speak english facial expressions are world wide honey and I sure you understood. Some people!!! Also another rude comment, my son does not need to see half naked women picking their children up from school. Especially when you (guessing) weigh 250 and are 5'2''. It is just not ok and I feel bad for your children.

In my crazy rant I have come to realize I am not willing to settle for just any house when we buy. It will be on at least an acre and have no close neighbors. I may not be able to choose the people in my neighborhood but I can choose to avoid living close to ANYONE. I am trying to be patient for when that day eventually comes.

Hope everyone is having a way better week than myself :)

Just realized!

I used to be really good at check prices mostly between Walmart and Costco. I have slowly gotten off track and frankly a large year pay cut doesn't help matters. I just do what I can where I can these days. I was doing really good with couponing, but just recently have stopped as the time it takes me to search and figure it all out was to much. For some reason to be hard core is not something I can wrap my head around. I just do a little here and there, anyway back to Walmart and Costco. I just noticed that I always buy the generic brand of pasta at walmart most of the time unless another store has a sale it is always the cheapest. However I just noticed you can get 8 bags of whole wheat pasta at Costco for almost the same price we are talking cents in difference here! I never thought to look, most of the time assuming that it would be spendy. I usually stick to my usual list at Costco, bread, milk, cheese, fruits and veggies! Now I have decided I am going to get back into making a list and being more cautious as I get ready to go shopping. I will price check and match with other stores when I go to Walmart. I am also going to check out the Grocery Outlet... a store 3 years ago I would not step foot into. It always looked run down and gross a place I would never want to eat anything from. However they have just remade the whole store and it looks nice now. Also heck if I can save a buck its worth it! So anyway back to saving and less spending... here's to living frugal and loving it!

Real quick

I was thinking a lot about the video that was posted on you tube showing Mitt Romney being asked about his views on gay marriage by a gay Vietnam vet. People were just bashing the video and saying how Mitt looked stupid and how he avoided the question, when he did nothing of the sort. He replied with a perfect statment on his beliefs. It was simple yet showed how he felt about the topic. It really makes me angry when people throw this topic around. Really angry!! I have absolutly nothing against gay people I feel that they have the right to choose as they please. We are all given agency and they can live life as they want and as Americans and a country full of diversity we should have tolerance of others just as they do of us, because we are all different. However, when people freak out and think that they deserve the right to be married to their partner because they live here.... it blows my mind. I firmly believe they are making a choice reguardless of the fact they feel like they are born that way. Thats like me saying I was born fat. Well truthfully I kinda was but my point it we are all born the same sinless amazing beautiful children of our Heavenly Father. Its the things in life that form and mold us however once again your life is a choice.... I could also say well because of things that happened to me in my life I am an alcoholic, or a druggy or what have you! No matter how you are raised you make the choice of what your furture holds. You make the choice to be different people except you as you are but please do not infrindge upon our rights to vote against something that goes against what we believe or how we feel because you made a different choice.
OK I could go on and on but I have to so much to do today so that all I got for now!!

Check this out!!

My friend Sarahs blog is doing giveaways!! Today is something I super duper want and so I am blogging about it for an extra entry! YAY!
Here it is go check her blog out!
http://confessionsofasailorswife.blogspot.com/2011/12/super-awesome-totally-amazing-holday_14.html

Thanksgiving

Well the month on November has came and went! Actually this year has came and went way to fast. This month we moved into our place unpacked and decorated in a weekend only for me to decide 2 weeks later that I wanted to change it all around. I think my husband is now used to my crazy ideas 20 minutes before company is to arrive. He was standing in the kitchen staring at me and just said well if you want to do that go ahead and walked away. Don't we all wish we could have husbands that smile genuinely and say, "of course dear". Yeah, well I got it all done in 15 minutes that includes hooking all the speakers back up. Until we tried to start a movie and couldn't hear anything.... ooopss! Maybe next time he will help me :) Anyway then it was of course time for Thanksgiving which we had at my grandmas house it was great the food rocked. It was way different than I am used to though, but that's ok. I love Thanksgiving were you all do things together, the guys and kids head out for some turkey bowl, the ladies make appetizer's that we eat all day until we finally sit down to a table of food around 3 and pig out even more. Then everyone waddles off somewhere for a much needed nap only to wake up and play games and laugh and laugh about dumb things. Most of the time I can do anything and make then laugh as they are all slightly tipsy and its easy to also win the games ;) However, it was great food and a good time. Then William and I went out for some black Friday shopping which isn't really even back Friday its more like after you eat dinner Thursday night shopping. (DUMB) I hate that the stores open on Thanksgiving I think they should all at least wait til midnight. But of course Walmart wants to take over the world so they opened at 10. William and I were there cheating our way through the store... meaning stuff that was not wrapped we grabbed and put in our cart and covered with a coat. However the DVD section was guarded with the men in blue so we waited 2 more hours just for DVD's. It was 3 minutes until 10 and I was about to fall asleep in the box of dvd's until suddenly one person reached in for a dvd! Then the chaos began plastic was thrown everywhere people were pushing and shoving! I grabbed what I wanted and casually headed over to the checkout line and watched the craziness from afar... haha suckers!! Jk that's mean after all I had cheated and snuck around and got what I wanted hours earlier. I did see some old lady about ready to get into a fight over a 1.67 DVD that was pretty interesting. Then we headed out for Best Buy the line already had about 250 people however we decided to stand for the next 3 hours til the opened. We met some interesting people a young couple who met in college. The girl adorable and sweet the guy nice but different. There was also some nice people handing out hot cocoa and coffee. Thats nice but no thanks I am weird about taking stuff like that from people. Grosses me out! Anyway after our long FREEZING cold 3 hour wait we ran inside only to not get what we wanted and ended up with a crappy blu ray player that we took back the next day. It was fun and William and I had a good time however I dont think I will ever stand in line like that again. It would have to be a pretty good deal and something really wanted. Plus the fact that people are insane... I mean did you hear about the pepper spray lady? Seriously? I prefer to not get stabbed in the store over a toy. I need to be better about shopping all year and putting things up in the closet so I am not rushing around in November trying to get what I want. PS I am still not done shopping! Oh yeah and I almost forgot my favorite shopping trip of the night. CVS, I know you are thinking LOOSER! But not when I tell you I got a sonicare toothbrush normally 112 bucks for 14.99 oh yeah and a norelco electric shaver normally 69.99 for 16.99. Then got a 10 dollar gift card that I then used to purchase my walmart items. It was a great November but common December and bring on the SNOW!!

The Hand Your Dealt

Excuse my poker analogy....
When I look back on my life I feel like I was dealt a crappy hand. I have always been the person that asks why me? I have let it eat me alive, I live to serve and love it. I am good at putting on my makeup but don't like to look at myself in the mirror when I have to take it off. I can pretend to be the life of the party and have always like attention. If I am not the center or at least enjoying myself then why I am here. I have always felt like I can get my way, and if I don't you better watch out. If you haven't seen me at my worst then you don't know me. If you know me you know I can be a real you know what and can be your worst enemy. Why am I telling you this? Because I am ready to throw those cards away. I am tired of holding them in my hand and looking at them and still feeling lost no matter how good the hand is....
Yesterday I woke up with a mild headache. This is a pretty normal thing for me so I thought nothing of it. Went to church, had dinner with the mother in law afterwards. The whole time my head is pounding but once again thought nothing of it this is just a day in the life of Caryn. I came home a took a nap, when I woke up I didn't really know were I was. I didn't know what day it was, I thought my husband was getting ready to go to work. After about 10 minutes my brain was kinda back on track, but the pain was to much. I have dealt with migraines before but nothing like this. The left side of my body was weak my face felt tense and my speech was slurred. I was just going to deal though because.... this was the hand I was dealt. Our health insurance doesn't kick in until the 1st we our so broke. Why would I go to the doctor? Well of course my husband insisted because hey who wouldn't take their half brain dead spouse to the ER? I always say I never want to go because of money... always. What the real reason? The real reason is because going back to the cards, I feel like I have been dealt a crappy hand. I just know when I go they are going to tell me I have a brain tumor and 3 months to live. When I think about the possibilities of being ill I can deal with it. I cant leave my kids I wont leave my kids EVER. Its not an option in my mind it is just not possible.
When I was 3 my father was murdered at gun point, when I was 7 my granddad committed suicide, when I was 9 my grandfather died of cancer, when I was 12 my mother got divorced, when I was 14 my mother admitted to me that she was using, when I was 15 I was all alone left to fend for myself. I lived life like I wanted, I had no one to answer to, I made bad choices along with some good ones. I just lived. That's all I did I just existed, I did what I needed to do so no one asked questions. I put on a happy smile and live life because I did not know what else to do. I was broken inside and have never done anything about it. I cried myself to sleep in my apartment at the age of 17 on Christmas Eve because once again I was alone. Even now I have an amazing husband two beautiful children and a life and I still just live it. WHY? I am always one to preach about black and white areas saying there is no gray and yet I have been living in the grey for 25 years. I don't embrace life the way I should I don't appreciate things the way I should I don't love like I should. I have walked around living on egg shells just waiting for them to break. My heart cant take it anymore the anxiety that I have built up inside me is coming out in other areas. I need to live, I need to love, and I need to stop looking back at the cards that don't even matter. Most of all I need to rely on my Heavenly Father.
I have been selfish and mean and uncaring because I am wrapped up still in my own life my past life. The life I don't even life anymore the life that I cant get ride of that's not letting me live my current life. The thing is I am choosing it.... but I am done! I have been giving the tools I need to make it better to allow my kids to have the life they deserve. We all get handed a crappy hand sometimes and we just have to play it, make it, live it! Because its only a matter of time before you get a royal flush. My royal flush has been here I just haven't seen it I haven't been able to live it because I have been living the life of a crappy hand that doesn't even exist anymore. Joy is mine for the taking its here it real anyone can have it no matter what their hand is.
I need to become me again so I can be the best I can be for my family. Not hide behind someone who seeks social attention for the fear of being alone. I was never alone I just allowed myself to feel alone. Life is mine for the taking and I am taking it. I am going to live it and love it because hey it could always be worse ;)

PS I am not dying....

Childlike

You know when you are kid and everyone is jumping in the mud puddle, and tells you to join, even though you know you shouldn't? Sometimes as an adult I feel this way, I hate feeling judged and it only makes me feel even more insecure with my actions, things I say and who I am as a person. I am real, I have a heart, a soul and feelings. I feel like sometimes the world today fills kids minds with the idea that its ok to just join in with the crowd and just be normal. That way you will never have to feel uncomfortable or awkward. Parents fill their children with fake self esteem when they baby them and do everything for them. It scares me to think about my kids and how hard I try to help them be independent and strong and only to look at myself and think about who I am. You know when you are eighteen and you think "oh my gosh I am an adult" I mean you pretty much think you know it all. I look back now and even at a mere 25 I sometimes still feel like I tend to get lost in the masses. I know who I am within my core, and only when I am able to experience that again do I realize, "wow I really do love me" To be honest I am a redneck a real true redneck. Someone who would swim in the horse tank on a hot afternoon, rode in the bed of a truck at a young age and saw nothing wrong with it, went fishing and gutted a fish like it was nothing I could go on and on. Things that I actually miss, I think growing up redneck while others may laugh is great. I think families are closer than those who live in the hustle and bustle of the city, I think kids are taught responsibility from a young age, and heck if there was a huge natural disaster and you had to make something out of nothing... could you do it? Ok let me be clear, we might have been redneck and slightly trashy redneck to be honest. I am not saying I want my kids to have mullets and cutoffs with a weed hanging out of their mouth. I just love the idea of being on a farm and doing things as a family that really matter. I mean going to the movies is fun and all but going horseback riding all day with the fam is even funner. (I know that's not a word) I just think once we get older and get past the "I am moving out of this town and going to show everyone I am better than that" state of mind. You look back and realize wow that really was not that bad. I am ok with being naive and maybe not be up in the know, I am ok with my stress being the chickens aren't laying enough eggs. hehe I think the simple life is amazing and can only bring me closer to the best things in life and the life to come. This talk is one of my favorites, its a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf called "The Things That Matter Most." It is a great talk and really puts life into perspective. Since William and I have decided to just live with what we need it has been so much less stress. We have decluttered our lives, I no longer how a house full of things I have just want I need. I may not have a kitchen full of all the latest cool gadgets but I can make a meal just as good without all that and have a lot less dishes to do too. I hate clutter as I am sure most do and just letting go feels so good. Not having to deal with to much stuff and finding a place to put it makes me smile. Most would say live within your means, I say live below your means, it allows you to have the left overs to use when needed or even when wanted. If I had a huge car payment or paid a ridiculous amount for rent just so I could show that I live in a nice house or drive a nice car I would be missing out on other things. I want to teach my kids that being frugal is cool and who cares if people judge you based on what you drive or the clothes you wear they are not your true friends anyway. I mean feeling embarrassed about something materialistic is petty and when we show this to our children they will grow up thinking they should be ashamed of what they have if its not as good as the neighbors. Showing hard work and dedication for the things you do want, and then feeling good because you worked for it, feels so much better than just getting your way all the time because you can. I would rather drive a beater car, so I could save for a home for my family then have a nice car and no savings account. For some reason the world has gotten things mixed up over the years and I admit to have fallen in that path. I can still remember not thinking that their was anything wrong with the house I lived in as kid until I heard someone make a comment and snicker about it. This is were the insecurities come in and if I teach my children right from the beginning my hope is only that they will be able to withstand the worldly mess that they will have to live in. Feeling judged by those you thought were your friends or want them to be your friends is a huge blow to a kid and even an adult. So I blabbed and blabbed only to say frankly I don't care. I know were I stand and I am so grateful for those who love me for me and I am so thankful for my amazing family! I am happy and healthy and surrounded by amazing people what more could a girl as for? Life is filled with choices and with those choices come conceqeunces whether good or bad. Nobody is perfect not should we expect them to be, everyone has short comings and struggles. I am going to be real, be true, and hold strong to what I know is right no matter the judgements cast in my direction. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" :)