The Hand Your Dealt

Excuse my poker analogy....
When I look back on my life I feel like I was dealt a crappy hand. I have always been the person that asks why me? I have let it eat me alive, I live to serve and love it. I am good at putting on my makeup but don't like to look at myself in the mirror when I have to take it off. I can pretend to be the life of the party and have always like attention. If I am not the center or at least enjoying myself then why I am here. I have always felt like I can get my way, and if I don't you better watch out. If you haven't seen me at my worst then you don't know me. If you know me you know I can be a real you know what and can be your worst enemy. Why am I telling you this? Because I am ready to throw those cards away. I am tired of holding them in my hand and looking at them and still feeling lost no matter how good the hand is....
Yesterday I woke up with a mild headache. This is a pretty normal thing for me so I thought nothing of it. Went to church, had dinner with the mother in law afterwards. The whole time my head is pounding but once again thought nothing of it this is just a day in the life of Caryn. I came home a took a nap, when I woke up I didn't really know were I was. I didn't know what day it was, I thought my husband was getting ready to go to work. After about 10 minutes my brain was kinda back on track, but the pain was to much. I have dealt with migraines before but nothing like this. The left side of my body was weak my face felt tense and my speech was slurred. I was just going to deal though because.... this was the hand I was dealt. Our health insurance doesn't kick in until the 1st we our so broke. Why would I go to the doctor? Well of course my husband insisted because hey who wouldn't take their half brain dead spouse to the ER? I always say I never want to go because of money... always. What the real reason? The real reason is because going back to the cards, I feel like I have been dealt a crappy hand. I just know when I go they are going to tell me I have a brain tumor and 3 months to live. When I think about the possibilities of being ill I can deal with it. I cant leave my kids I wont leave my kids EVER. Its not an option in my mind it is just not possible.
When I was 3 my father was murdered at gun point, when I was 7 my granddad committed suicide, when I was 9 my grandfather died of cancer, when I was 12 my mother got divorced, when I was 14 my mother admitted to me that she was using, when I was 15 I was all alone left to fend for myself. I lived life like I wanted, I had no one to answer to, I made bad choices along with some good ones. I just lived. That's all I did I just existed, I did what I needed to do so no one asked questions. I put on a happy smile and live life because I did not know what else to do. I was broken inside and have never done anything about it. I cried myself to sleep in my apartment at the age of 17 on Christmas Eve because once again I was alone. Even now I have an amazing husband two beautiful children and a life and I still just live it. WHY? I am always one to preach about black and white areas saying there is no gray and yet I have been living in the grey for 25 years. I don't embrace life the way I should I don't appreciate things the way I should I don't love like I should. I have walked around living on egg shells just waiting for them to break. My heart cant take it anymore the anxiety that I have built up inside me is coming out in other areas. I need to live, I need to love, and I need to stop looking back at the cards that don't even matter. Most of all I need to rely on my Heavenly Father.
I have been selfish and mean and uncaring because I am wrapped up still in my own life my past life. The life I don't even life anymore the life that I cant get ride of that's not letting me live my current life. The thing is I am choosing it.... but I am done! I have been giving the tools I need to make it better to allow my kids to have the life they deserve. We all get handed a crappy hand sometimes and we just have to play it, make it, live it! Because its only a matter of time before you get a royal flush. My royal flush has been here I just haven't seen it I haven't been able to live it because I have been living the life of a crappy hand that doesn't even exist anymore. Joy is mine for the taking its here it real anyone can have it no matter what their hand is.
I need to become me again so I can be the best I can be for my family. Not hide behind someone who seeks social attention for the fear of being alone. I was never alone I just allowed myself to feel alone. Life is mine for the taking and I am taking it. I am going to live it and love it because hey it could always be worse ;)

PS I am not dying....