Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Thanksgiving



Well the month on November has came and went! Actually this year has came and went way to fast. This month we moved into our place unpacked and decorated in a weekend only for me to decide 2 weeks later that I wanted to change it all around. I think my husband is now used to my crazy ideas 20 minutes before company is to arrive. He was standing in the kitchen staring at me and just said well if you want to do that go ahead and walked away. Don't we all wish we could have husbands that smile genuinely and say, "of course dear". Yeah, well I got it all done in 15 minutes that includes hooking all the speakers back up. Until we tried to start a movie and couldn't hear anything.... ooopss! Maybe next time he will help me :) Anyway then it was of course time for Thanksgiving which we had at my grandmas house it was great the food rocked. It was way different than I am used to though, but that's ok. I love Thanksgiving were you all do things together, the guys and kids head out for some turkey bowl, the ladies make appetizer's that we eat all day until we finally sit down to a table of food around 3 and pig out even more. Then everyone waddles off somewhere for a much needed nap only to wake up and play games and laugh and laugh about dumb things. Most of the time I can do anything and make then laugh as they are all slightly tipsy and its easy to also win the games ;) However, it was great food and a good time. Then William and I went out for some black Friday shopping which isn't really even back Friday its more like after you eat dinner Thursday night shopping. (DUMB) I hate that the stores open on Thanksgiving I think they should all at least wait til midnight. But of course Walmart wants to take over the world so they opened at 10. William and I were there cheating our way through the store... meaning stuff that was not wrapped we grabbed and put in our cart and covered with a coat. However the DVD section was guarded with the men in blue so we waited 2 more hours just for DVD's. It was 3 minutes until 10 and I was about to fall asleep in the box of dvd's until suddenly one person reached in for a dvd! Then the chaos began plastic was thrown everywhere people were pushing and shoving! I grabbed what I wanted and casually headed over to the checkout line and watched the craziness from afar... haha suckers!! Jk that's mean after all I had cheated and snuck around and got what I wanted hours earlier. I did see some old lady about ready to get into a fight over a 1.67 DVD that was pretty interesting. Then we headed out for Best Buy the line already had about 250 people however we decided to stand for the next 3 hours til the opened. We met some interesting people a young couple who met in college. The girl adorable and sweet the guy nice but different. There was also some nice people handing out hot cocoa and coffee. Thats nice but no thanks I am weird about taking stuff like that from people. Grosses me out! Anyway after our long FREEZING cold 3 hour wait we ran inside only to not get what we wanted and ended up with a crappy blu ray player that we took back the next day. It was fun and William and I had a good time however I dont think I will ever stand in line like that again. It would have to be a pretty good deal and something really wanted. Plus the fact that people are insane... I mean did you hear about the pepper spray lady? Seriously? I prefer to not get stabbed in the store over a toy. I need to be better about shopping all year and putting things up in the closet so I am not rushing around in November trying to get what I want. PS I am still not done shopping! Oh yeah and I almost forgot my favorite shopping trip of the night. CVS, I know you are thinking LOOSER! But not when I tell you I got a sonicare toothbrush normally 112 bucks for 14.99 oh yeah and a norelco electric shaver normally 69.99 for 16.99. Then got a 10 dollar gift card that I then used to purchase my walmart items. It was a great November but common December and bring on the SNOW!!

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Hand Your Dealt

Excuse my poker analogy....
When I look back on my life I feel like I was dealt a crappy hand. I have always been the person that asks why me? I have let it eat me alive, I live to serve and love it. I am good at putting on my makeup but don't like to look at myself in the mirror when I have to take it off. I can pretend to be the life of the party and have always like attention. If I am not the center or at least enjoying myself then why I am here. I have always felt like I can get my way, and if I don't you better watch out. If you haven't seen me at my worst then you don't know me. If you know me you know I can be a real you know what and can be your worst enemy. Why am I telling you this? Because I am ready to throw those cards away. I am tired of holding them in my hand and looking at them and still feeling lost no matter how good the hand is....
Yesterday I woke up with a mild headache. This is a pretty normal thing for me so I thought nothing of it. Went to church, had dinner with the mother in law afterwards. The whole time my head is pounding but once again thought nothing of it this is just a day in the life of Caryn. I came home a took a nap, when I woke up I didn't really know were I was. I didn't know what day it was, I thought my husband was getting ready to go to work. After about 10 minutes my brain was kinda back on track, but the pain was to much. I have dealt with migraines before but nothing like this. The left side of my body was weak my face felt tense and my speech was slurred. I was just going to deal though because.... this was the hand I was dealt. Our health insurance doesn't kick in until the 1st we our so broke. Why would I go to the doctor? Well of course my husband insisted because hey who wouldn't take their half brain dead spouse to the ER? I always say I never want to go because of money... always. What the real reason? The real reason is because going back to the cards, I feel like I have been dealt a crappy hand. I just know when I go they are going to tell me I have a brain tumor and 3 months to live. When I think about the possibilities of being ill I can deal with it. I cant leave my kids I wont leave my kids EVER. Its not an option in my mind it is just not possible.
When I was 3 my father was murdered at gun point, when I was 7 my granddad committed suicide, when I was 9 my grandfather died of cancer, when I was 12 my mother got divorced, when I was 14 my mother admitted to me that she was using, when I was 15 I was all alone left to fend for myself. I lived life like I wanted, I had no one to answer to, I made bad choices along with some good ones. I just lived. That's all I did I just existed, I did what I needed to do so no one asked questions. I put on a happy smile and live life because I did not know what else to do. I was broken inside and have never done anything about it. I cried myself to sleep in my apartment at the age of 17 on Christmas Eve because once again I was alone. Even now I have an amazing husband two beautiful children and a life and I still just live it. WHY? I am always one to preach about black and white areas saying there is no gray and yet I have been living in the grey for 25 years. I don't embrace life the way I should I don't appreciate things the way I should I don't love like I should. I have walked around living on egg shells just waiting for them to break. My heart cant take it anymore the anxiety that I have built up inside me is coming out in other areas. I need to live, I need to love, and I need to stop looking back at the cards that don't even matter. Most of all I need to rely on my Heavenly Father.
I have been selfish and mean and uncaring because I am wrapped up still in my own life my past life. The life I don't even life anymore the life that I cant get ride of that's not letting me live my current life. The thing is I am choosing it.... but I am done! I have been giving the tools I need to make it better to allow my kids to have the life they deserve. We all get handed a crappy hand sometimes and we just have to play it, make it, live it! Because its only a matter of time before you get a royal flush. My royal flush has been here I just haven't seen it I haven't been able to live it because I have been living the life of a crappy hand that doesn't even exist anymore. Joy is mine for the taking its here it real anyone can have it no matter what their hand is.
I need to become me again so I can be the best I can be for my family. Not hide behind someone who seeks social attention for the fear of being alone. I was never alone I just allowed myself to feel alone. Life is mine for the taking and I am taking it. I am going to live it and love it because hey it could always be worse ;)

PS I am not dying....